We first heard your little heartbeat on July 18th, 2003, it was at Woman Care and all your family was there, mom dad and little sissy. We were all so excited to hear your heartbeat, it was like a sign that you were doing fine and truly existed, it was a true relief, especially to mom because she was worried as usual. Dad was very excited to hear your heartbeat; I think that’s what made it real for him since you were growing inside of me, and he thought it was very neat. Skylar thought it was pretty neat too even though she was more into the toys in the room, but I know she was happy too because she had been wanting a little baby sister or brother so badly. She was so excited to be a big sister. Your heartbeat was 140 beats per minute, perfect
I first felt you move, what I thought was movement, in Arizona in August of 2003 while I was lying in bed at Grandmas house. I think you were about 16 weeks. Little tiny flutters, it was so neat, for my sweet baby was growing and getting stronger. At this time, 4 months in I was still feeling pretty nausea but after a few weeks it wore off.
Your first ultrasound was on September 10th, 2003 in Tacoma with Dr. Dashow. Mom and Dad went in and were a little nervous but so excited to finally see their beautiful baby and find out that you were as perfect as we imagined. When we first saw you we were so excited, we loved you so much. Tears came to mommy’s eyes and a huge smile to Daddies face because you were so perfect and sweet, you were so active. The nurse commented on this as well. I was sure you would be as energetic as your daddy. You were moving all around, rubbing your eyes, and we could see you swallowing and your little tongue stick out, it was the most precious thing I had ever seen, you were so perfect, so sweet and everything was right on schedule, even a few days ahead. They told us your due date would be January 24th, 2004. Last they checked to see what sex you would be. I always thought you would be a girl and Dad thought you would be a boy, but in the end I was carrying a precious baby girl. Dad and Sky had made a bet about your sex, so in the end Dad owed your big sister a doughnut.
Your movement became stronger about the 20th month and you always woke up right when I was ready to go to bed! You were ready to play! You really liked when mom would rub her tummy as you were so very still and you especially loved playing games with Dad, he would talk and you would kick, and he would talk again and you would kick, it seemed like you were so happy. I think you were going to be a daddy’s girl. ;o) Your sister also used to love to talk to you every night before bed, she would hug my tummy and pat it and say I love you baby, Ill see you tomorrow, Ill see you when your born. It was the sweetest thing.
As the weeks, and the months went on you were growing perfectly, you measured right with your week and were active and growing well. On my Birthday, October 24th, 2003, you decided not to move very much so I ended up going to the hospital birth center to have a fetal heart monitor test. The second I got to the hospital you started moving around more then ever before, yet they still monitored your heart and everything was just fine~
The next few months were great and you seemed to be doing just fine. I had developed gestational diabetes and was very concerned about that, yet I was able to control it very well with diet and exercise. However, Woman Care had to transfer me to an OB because midwives are not educated to deal with any type of complication. The midwives were so wonderful and “comfortable” but it was in our best interest to go see an OB, which was Dr. Gage.
In the first week of December I had three appointments, one with Woman Care on the 1st and another with Dr. Gage on the 4th. At both appointments everything looked perfect and once again we were right on schedule with growth. I was scheduled for a 2nd ultrasound on the 6th of December in Tacoma, at the hospital. Dad came with me while your big sister was in school. Once again we were a little nervous! We got into the ultrasound and you were so perfect and beautiful. You were sleeping so we didn’t see a lot of movement, just your little heart beating. We could really see what you looked like and you were so perfect and beautiful. The technicians and radiologist looked over the ultrasound and once again said you looked perfect, you were right on schedule with growth and development, everything looked fine. Once again they estimated your due date to be on January 24th, 2004.
The tragedy came on December 9th, 2003. I had not felt movement for quite a while and was getting a little worried, although not completely worried because this had happen before and everything was fine. After I got dressed that day I noticed that my stomach looked very strange, it was very low, lower then ever before. Dad came home and saw that something was very strange as well. I mentioned calling the doctor and Dad agreed. The second after I called the OB's office they told me to go into the birthing center at the hospital to have a fetal heart monitor test. Me and Sissy went on our way, while Dad went to work. We were thinking everything was going to be just fine, as this had happened before. Even on the way to the hospital I thought I felt you give a little flutter.
Once at the hospital (about 4:30 pm) I was admitted and took into a small room in the birthing center. Sky came with me and she was happily reading her books the whole time. The nurse came in and put the fetal heart monitor on my tummy; she then tried to find your heartbeat and nothing…. I was getting a little scared as the nurse tried for about 5 minutes and still nothing…. This was a little strange because usually one could find your heartbeat right away because you were getting so big. The nurse didn’t panic so I didn’t panic, although I did sense something may be very wrong, yet I held strong, although almost numb inside. The nurse called in the ultrasound technicians and the radiologist right away. They brought in the ultrasound scanner and the nurse didn’t say a word as she was looking. They called the radiologist in and he confirmed you had left us… The radiologist was very insensitive about it, he walked in and said “yep” and walked out… I went numb from head to toe at the heartbreaking news, and just sat in the bed in a state of shock without saying a word. We had had an ultrasound only 6 days before and everything was deemed perfect yet now we are faced with tragedy… Skylar didn’t quite know what was happening so I asked that they take her out of the room for a while because I was not prepared to tell her the news that I could barely comprehend myself. The nurse called Dads work and I told him the horrible news. Dad went into shock as well and he rushed as fast as he could over to the hospital. During that time I don’t remember much except the nurses asking me all these questions about delivering you and all these different things I had to decide, yet I was in no state to decide anything. Dad came into the room and hugged me tightly and we cried together. We then decided to deliver you that night through induction, as we felt the pain would only be stronger if I held you in my womb much longer. We called some friends to come and pick up Skylar for the night and were planning on telling her the heartbreaking news the next day. Skylar was very excited to get to sleep over at our friends house, so that was helpful. Dad went to meet our friends who had come for Sky, and the nurses walked me into labor and delivery where I would deliver you, my angel, Sierra Iris. Our OB came over and said that it shouldn’t take long, and that she would sleep at the hospital for when the time came. They broke my water at around 6:30pm and my heart broke twice at that moment, the emotions were so strong and so painful, like part of you was leaving me. They started the petocin to start the contractions and turned it up about every hour. They checked my cervix at about 8pm and I was only 5 cm dilated, and again at about 1am and I was still only 5 cm. The wait was very difficult yet I was dreading the moment that you, our sweet baby would be delivered and gone forever... I kept hoping and praying for a miracle, that you would come out crying and alive, yet hope was not enough. Dad and I waited patiently as the night grew later and later. We sat in silence with bouts of tears and sadness. My body felt so strange, as if my lips, my arms, my legs were huge logs weighing me down. Dad spent a lot of time holding my hand during the wait; he was so wonderful and supportive even though his pain was so strong. We we could hear other new mothers in labor and babies crying which only made the pain stronger. It just wasn’t fair, what did we do to deserve such sorrow…
At about 2:30am on December 10th I felt a lot of pressure and called the nurse in. Sure enough you had made your way through the birth canal and were ready to be born. I panicked and cried as everything was becoming more real, and now it was time to face the fact that you were really gone. The OB came in and delivery was started. The pain was so strong, it was the most intense emotional pain I had ever felt in my whole life. I was giving birth to my angel who had already left and gone to heaven... My heart was heavy and my arms would be empty... Dad held my hand tightly and tried to calm me as I sobbed uncontrollably through the whole delivery, which only last about 5 minutes, I believe the nurse was holding my other hand. I felt you leave my body, and when you were born a feeling of emptiness came over me. I saw you on the newborn table, with little newborn blankets over you. You looked so perfect and sweet. You weighed 4 lbs 2.5 oz and were 19 inches long. We gave you the name Sierra Iris, the name we had planned to give you all along…
We never did see you, our precious baby Sierra, in person, and I have many regrets about that. Dad couldn’t bring himself to see you in such a sad state; he wanted his last memory to be of the happy times. I had a very difficult time deciding. I knew in my heart that I wanted to see and hold you, yet I couldn’t do it alone and was not in the right state to make such decisions. However, the nurse had told me you would be there the next day if I wanted to see you or if family wanted to see you. I don’t remember much after that, as I was numb for the rest of the night,and so tired from the whole delivery and all the emotional trauma that came along with the situation. I do remember when the nurse came in and handed us a “memory” box full of things we could hold close, including photos, and the hat and blankets you wore, a sample of hair, and other things. I was a little shocked at the box but now I am eternally grateful to them for doing this for me. That morning at around 8am they told me I could leave after they did all the blood work. The second your grandma found out about our tragedy she was on a plane the next morning and at the hospital by the time I was told I could leave. As we walked out, I wondered where you were, were you taken care of and safe? I wanted to see you, to hold you. Grandma told me she would go with me to see you if I felt like I needed to. Grandma went and asked the nurse where you were. The nurse told her you had already been admitted for an autopsy:*(once again my heart broke twice as I would never have a chance to see my baby in person... Why had the nurse told me you would still be there for viewing the next day? I felt cheated at a chance to see MY baby… I was wheeled out of the hospital with empty arms and an empty heart~
Still today, which would be Sierra's due date, January 24th, the pain is still intense. I have never felt such pain and sadness in my whole life. However, I have faith with time our hearts will heal and we will become stronger both individually and as a family. We will carry her memory with us forever. I know that our baby is now in a more peaceful gentle place. I guess she was just too precious for this Earth…. Sierra will always carry a piece of my heart. We all love and miss her so much~
March Update- Well things are still tough and our hearts are still heavy. We are just dealing with each day at a time. We did go to the endocrinologist and he was stunned. He looked over my records and autopsy report and said Gestational Diabetes was NOT to blame for our tragedy. My numbers were so controlled and the baby was of normal size for her gestational age. We asked him about the thyroid stress and he said there was minimal and thats normal which means she didnt have to suffer any stress. I felt the weight lift from my heart when he said those words. That was another thing that was upsetting, always wondering if she had to suffer and feeling guilt about it... :*( Just another baby step forward...
